So the funk of the month of March continued until the very last day. It took 3.1 miles of muddy obstacles, a banged up knee, scratches and bruises, and a moment recognizing my complete insanity, to shake it loose.
To catch you up, I had perhaps the best birthday ever. As I mentioned before, it was sneaking up on me. My general March funkiness was looming, and the weather wasn’t helping it. A massive rain storm the day before had me at an all time low the night before, but an early cupcake celebration with D and a perfectly timed text set the wheels in motion for a spectacular day. Fabulous planned a wonderful morning for us. Yoga in the early morning, hair and mimosas at Dry Bar, and then lunch, a tequila flight, and pomegranate margaritas to cap it all off. Not to mention the incredibly thoughtful necklace with a 26.2 charm and birthstone. Came home to more amazing gifts from the family, a watch and wallet that I needed and desperately wanted, some beautiful cards from the kids, and dinner out with my little family. Several times throughout the day I found myself crying from joy. Overwhelmed by the sheer love I am surrounded by. I placed so little thought into my day, yet the people who know and love me most, knew exactly what I needed all along. For someone so used to bandaging her own wounds, and who can feel incredibly lonely at times, it is amazing to know my loved ones can care for me in ways I never let myself imagine. They see me and love me for who and what I am. It felt good to let go and allow myself to be loved and celebrated.
I rode high on the post birthday glow for the last two weeks, until Thursday. I had to detail my life and exactly why I officially have PTSD. So in about 5 minutes I matter-of-factly detailed my life, and the various traumas I have experienced. This wasn’t the first time I’ve done this, and I generally sort of tune out, telling the story as if I’m recounting a Dateline episode. It wasn’t until I reached the conclusion, that I saw the look on her face. Slightly furrowed brow, shock, disbelief, and wonder. “Wow. That’s a lot,” she said slightly speechless. “How are you coping?” she asked. Once again I matter-of-factly detailed my life accomplishments, career, husband, kids, running, my marathon, yoga, etc. She sighed and smiled. “Wow. That’s incredible.” I didn’t think much of it, until I left and it all hit me. The person I was speaking about was me. Not a news story. That was my life I was talking about. Suddenly it didn’t seem so black and white. Colorless. Emotionless. And so that night and the next, I started dreaming again. Remembering. Remembering that it was me. Bad things happened to me. Around me. Yet somehow, here I was, whole. Loving family. Good friends. Happy? Yes. Even in my gloomy state, happy. But for the first time in a while, perhaps ever, really feeling the magnitude of it all.
All this led to the Irvine Lake Mud Run on Sunday. [click to read more…]
{ 9 comments }
